A little while ago I popped a lemon starburst in my mouth hoping - really, really hoping - for some flavor beyond fried cardboard. That's one of the hardest things for me the first few days after chemo. I have to make sure I'm keeping up the food and liquid intake, but nothing tastes right and I'm basically forcing myself to eat and drink anyway even if it makes me gag. So anyone who has brought us food the past few days, thank you, I ate it and I know in my mind it was really good, but I'd be lying if I said it tasted delicious, sorry. Next time put yourself further down the rotation, say 1-1/2 to 2 weeks after the chemo and I'm sure I'll thoroughly enjoy every bite!
So back to the little lemon starburst. Their current slogan is "It's a pack of contradictions" and right now I'd have to agree because what I put in my mouth did not taste like lemon. There was sweet, which is nice, but NO TANG! No zip! No ache in the back of your jaw that you're supposed to get when you first bite down on one. And when you're already not feeling so hot, sometimes all it takes is the silliest most superficial thing to make you want to throw your hands in the air and resign yourself to thinking this is just the way it's going to be -- give it up!
And then a minute or so later, way in the back of my mouth, there was the slightest little whisper of tanginess. And sometimes it's that tiniest hint of normal that lets you know this will all pass.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Pulling My Hair Out
And no it's not because of Obama's tone-deaf diss of Scott Brown driving a pickup. And ohmygosh John Kerry reminded us that Bush drove a truck too! Yeah, and guess what John, Bush WON and apparently so has Brown. Maybe this will help truck sales now, who knows? But it certainly won't hurt having another person in the senate who wants to help Americans bring home more of their paychecks.
Anyway, back to the point of this post which is (drumroll please) my hair has started falling out!!!!! I woke up this morning and my scalp was really sore, like when you've had your hair pulled back too tight in a ponytail. And all day whenever I raked my hands through my hair lots of strands were coming out. And I kept doing it. It was like when you have a bump on your face that you know you should leave alone but you can't, and you just keep messing with it. That's how I was today with my hair. I just couldn't help pulling my fingers through, just seeing how much might come out. Now I have to point out that I have some seriously big hair so this was something that could go on for several days, and I might have been fine with that except for the fact that it really hurt. Seriously, my scalp was so tender that any movement of my hair (brushing, answering the phone, etc) was really, really painful.
So when Bob got home I told him it was just time to cut it all off. Part of me wanted to hold on to the delusions that maybe this is all I will lose. But I knew deep down, this was only the beginning. I had a choice: I could sit around in la-la land and let my hair slowly (and painfully) comb out over the next several days or I could confront the reality of it head-on and just be done with it. Besides, I was out at Wal-Mart today with my hair piled up in a clip, and all I could think of was what if the whole mass on the back of my head decides to just fall off on the floor and there's like this dead animal sitting there in the middle of the cereal aisle? Could I just keep walking with a straight face (and a giant bald spot in the back of my head) like I had no idea where that thing came from? Probably not.
Which brings me to the super-short cut I have now courtesy of my dear husband. It's not quite what I would have gotten at Paris Parker, but it was a lot cheaper and my scalp doesn't hurt anymore with all that weight gone. I kinda like the short 'do and I told Bob I may even leave it that way after my hair grows back, properly trimmed of course. We'll see. The kids said they like it, although Olivia was a bit distressed at first and kept shouting "stop, put it back." When she grows up with an obsessive attachment to her hair, we'll know why.
Aside from the hair saga, I'm feeling really good, pretty much back to normal. My next chemo treatment is Wednesday the 27th, which gives me a good week to enjoy myself and gear up for the next round.
Anyway, back to the point of this post which is (drumroll please) my hair has started falling out!!!!! I woke up this morning and my scalp was really sore, like when you've had your hair pulled back too tight in a ponytail. And all day whenever I raked my hands through my hair lots of strands were coming out. And I kept doing it. It was like when you have a bump on your face that you know you should leave alone but you can't, and you just keep messing with it. That's how I was today with my hair. I just couldn't help pulling my fingers through, just seeing how much might come out. Now I have to point out that I have some seriously big hair so this was something that could go on for several days, and I might have been fine with that except for the fact that it really hurt. Seriously, my scalp was so tender that any movement of my hair (brushing, answering the phone, etc) was really, really painful.
So when Bob got home I told him it was just time to cut it all off. Part of me wanted to hold on to the delusions that maybe this is all I will lose. But I knew deep down, this was only the beginning. I had a choice: I could sit around in la-la land and let my hair slowly (and painfully) comb out over the next several days or I could confront the reality of it head-on and just be done with it. Besides, I was out at Wal-Mart today with my hair piled up in a clip, and all I could think of was what if the whole mass on the back of my head decides to just fall off on the floor and there's like this dead animal sitting there in the middle of the cereal aisle? Could I just keep walking with a straight face (and a giant bald spot in the back of my head) like I had no idea where that thing came from? Probably not.
Which brings me to the super-short cut I have now courtesy of my dear husband. It's not quite what I would have gotten at Paris Parker, but it was a lot cheaper and my scalp doesn't hurt anymore with all that weight gone. I kinda like the short 'do and I told Bob I may even leave it that way after my hair grows back, properly trimmed of course. We'll see. The kids said they like it, although Olivia was a bit distressed at first and kept shouting "stop, put it back." When she grows up with an obsessive attachment to her hair, we'll know why.
Aside from the hair saga, I'm feeling really good, pretty much back to normal. My next chemo treatment is Wednesday the 27th, which gives me a good week to enjoy myself and gear up for the next round.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
One down.... five to go
Yesterday I had my first chemo treatment. I wasn't sure what all to expect and overall it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I did have one moment though when I first walked back to the infusion area and the nurse sat me down to check my vitals. I looked around and the tears just started. It was one of those moments where you realize why you're there. There's no fooling yourself that they're just running a test or giving you something just to be on the safe side and it's probably nothing. It's all real and way more serious than strep throat or an ear infection or anything else you've had. This is one of the biggies where you tell people and they look at you like they're afraid you might drop dead right in front of them. And they don't know what to say and you don't know what to say because you can barely get the words out yourself. But you feel fine, just like you felt before you ever knew anything was wrong even though you've probably had this for several years, all the while thinking you're perfectly healthy. And what else might be wrong with you, your husband or one of your kids that you just don't know about yet? So I cried.
Anyway, the nurse gave me a tissue and said they would put some Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug) in my IV first to help me. The funny thing is I have a prescription for that in my purse but I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to take one before going, so I didn't. Now I know.
After the Ativan they started my predrip with some nausea meds and a corticosteriod to head off a potential reaction to one of the chemo drugs, Taxotere. Then they started the Taxotere and I ended up having a reaction anyway towards the end. It was nothing major, my throat just got really itchy and I couldn't stop coughing. It's not uncommon for some people to have a reaction the first or second treatment, but after that your body adjusts so it probably won't happen again. They gave me some Benadryl, which made me very loopy, and the oncologist came over to check my breathing and heartbeat and it was all fine. He jokingly asked me why I decided to have a reaction and I mumbled something along the lines of not wanting to take the easy way out. Then I mostly slept through the other two drugs.
It all lasted about 3.5 hours and then Bob took me home where I pretty much slept off the Benedryl the rest of the afternoon and evening. Today my friend Amy, who lives down the street, came over and took Olivia and Jake for most of the day so I could rest (Thanks Amy!). Overall I'm doing pretty well. The nausea meds seem to be working so I haven't been sick. I just mainly feel a little blah and run-down.
On a side note, when they put my port in last week I joked to Bob that I felt like I now have one of those jacks that Neo had to plug him into the matrix. And one of my chemo drugs, the Adriamycin, is bright red. So now I guess I can say I took the red bag and we're seeing how deep rabbit hole goes!
Anyway, the nurse gave me a tissue and said they would put some Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug) in my IV first to help me. The funny thing is I have a prescription for that in my purse but I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to take one before going, so I didn't. Now I know.
After the Ativan they started my predrip with some nausea meds and a corticosteriod to head off a potential reaction to one of the chemo drugs, Taxotere. Then they started the Taxotere and I ended up having a reaction anyway towards the end. It was nothing major, my throat just got really itchy and I couldn't stop coughing. It's not uncommon for some people to have a reaction the first or second treatment, but after that your body adjusts so it probably won't happen again. They gave me some Benadryl, which made me very loopy, and the oncologist came over to check my breathing and heartbeat and it was all fine. He jokingly asked me why I decided to have a reaction and I mumbled something along the lines of not wanting to take the easy way out. Then I mostly slept through the other two drugs.
It all lasted about 3.5 hours and then Bob took me home where I pretty much slept off the Benedryl the rest of the afternoon and evening. Today my friend Amy, who lives down the street, came over and took Olivia and Jake for most of the day so I could rest (Thanks Amy!). Overall I'm doing pretty well. The nausea meds seem to be working so I haven't been sick. I just mainly feel a little blah and run-down.
On a side note, when they put my port in last week I joked to Bob that I felt like I now have one of those jacks that Neo had to plug him into the matrix. And one of my chemo drugs, the Adriamycin, is bright red. So now I guess I can say I took the red bag and we're seeing how deep rabbit hole goes!
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