Any Day Now

I think Jake is very close to walking. He'll pull himself up, get a really big grin on his face and then slowly let go of the couch. He'll stand there for a few seconds and I'm like "Come on Jake, come to mama!" This is it, this is the moment!

And then I see the knees bend.

Awwwwwwwwwww, he was right there!

Maybe tomorrow.

Words you don't want to hear from your 9 yr. old....

Mom, did you take Jake out of his crib?

Me: Where is he?

More words you don't want to hear: Oh my gosh!

Vivian and I bolted to his room and there was my 10 month old, dragging himself around on the floor (his version of crawling), all kicking and smiling and grunting to himself, "Heh heh heh, I'm free! I'm SO getting into to something!"

This being our fourth child and Jake being on the tall side, Bob lowered the mattress all the way down a couple of months ago when the boy started popping up on his hands and knees. Last week when he started standing up in his crib I noted that the side rail hits him at the top of his shoulders when it's pulled up -- WHICH IT WASN'T!!!!!!!

Me: Vivian, why is the rail down?

Vivian: Uhhhhh, I put it down to play with him and forgot to raise it back up.

Me: (staring)

Vivian: (eyes getting bigger as the light bulb goes off in her head) Ooooooooh.

I then proceeded to show Vivian that when Jake is standing in the crib with the rail down, it only comes up to his stomach. And because Jake is not yet savvy enough to keep his secrets to himself, he grunted with excitement and promptly lunged his upper body over the railing to demonstrate my point. To her credit, Vivian had her hands on him before I did. I don't think I've ever seen her move that fast.

Point taken.

(I hope)

One More To Go

Next Wednesday is my last round of chemo! Woo hoo! I just want to cry when I think about it because I'm so tired and tired of being tired. I told Bob it's a good thing we're at the end because I don't think I could take much more, but if I had to I know I would because seriously, what else are you gonna do?

I'm sorry I haven't been good about keeping up the blog lately but the posts would all basically read "I'm tired, cancer sucks, blah blah blah...," and I figure there's really only so much people want to read about that. It will be so much better when I can write that I walked around the block and my legs weren't killing me the next day or I carried Jake around for more than 5 minutes without breaking a sweat. Yes it really is that pitiful right now. I have to fight the urge to call Bob around the time I think he should be home because I'm at the point where if a certain little someone asks me for one more glass of milk, I'm going to burst into tears over the mere thought of getting off the couch and walking the 10 feet to the refrigerator!

But I'm almost done. In May I'll have a double-mastectomy with immediate reconstruction and the doctors will decide then if I need radiation. From what I've been told, the radiation will seem like nothing compared to chemo. The good news is my hair will start growing back about 6 weeks after chemo and radiation won't affect it. The bad news is I'll have to start shaving my legs again. But if it means I have my energy and health back, I guess I can deal with it.

Kicking Cancer's Butt

Unfortunately the little vermin won't go quietly away, they're determined to take me down with them as much as possible. We just got home from treatment 4 and I am definitely down for the count at the moment. My legs feel like lead, like I've just run a 10K or something.

I did actually run one back when I was 12 or 13. I got my butt kicked then too but I finished and was 2nd place in my age group even. Okay, so there were only 2 people in my age group and I think there may have only been 5 people overall who finished behind me, but dangit I FINISHED! I was followed closely by an ambulance the last couple of miles which actually gave me the will to finish because I couldn't have stood the humiliation of being the wimp that had to be brought back in an ambulance. I already looked the part of a wimp -- skinny, gawky teenager with frizzy hair and braces who couldn't tolerate heat very well -- I was just stubborn as all get out and determined not to act like one, heat stroke be damned. And sure enough, as I was staggering up towards the finish line my parents were yelling "Run, Vicki, run," and I was like, "I AM running." I really don't remember much beyond that except when they called my name to give me my trophy. I was kinda embarrased because I knew I only won by default, but hey, when most girls my age where lounging in bed until noon, I was putting myself out there and doing somthing I never thought I could do. When you can maintain that kind of determination in the face of thinking, "This is probably the stupidist thing I have ever done," and you know that anyone who could read your mind would look over and say,"girl you got that right," you deserve to be rewarded.
So now I'm sitting here stumbling my way through round four with only two more to go. And of course I wouldn't classify it as one of the stupidist things I've ever done (a list that is quite long and contains several interesting characters and situations, by the way), but it is one of the hardest, so yeah, I'm expecting a trophy at the end of it.

He gave me his heart

This afternoon Nick gave me a little rock that he found outside at school. I was like "oh good, thanks, that's so nice" but I really didn't give it a second thought. Then tonight before he went to bed, he told me about the rock. Turns out a girl in his class pointed it out and he picked it up, put it in his pocket and then once he was back in class he took it out and carved on it with his scissors to make it more of a heart shape. As he told me this, the lightbulb went off and I finally got it -- from the time he got that rock he was thinking about carving it into a heart to give to me. To...ME! Of course on the outside I'm all cool and thanking him for it and telling him how sweet he is, while on the inside I'm bawling because even when he's at school and playing with his friends he still thinks of his momma.

So then I go and tell Bob about it and show him the rock. He's all "you're never getting rid of this are you?" And I'm like "oh heck no, I'm keeping this forever." It's tucked away in my jewelry box and as far as I'm concerned it's now a family heirloom. And I'm thinking that yeah, one day he'll meet some sweet little girl and he'll put a rock on her finger, but I bet it won't be one that he hand-carved with a pair of blunt-tipped scissors.

Sorry for the lack of updates

Eek, I totally let the whole month of February go by without any posts. Let's see, in a nutshell, the Saints won the Super Bowl, we went to Mardi Gras parades and the day after Mardi Gras (Wed. 2/17) I had my 3rd chemo treatment. This last round really knocked me down and it took me over a week to really feel better. I've been saying chemo wasn't as bad as the first trimester of pregnancy, but this last time was right up there with the worst I ever felt while pregnant. Apparently the nurse forgot to give me my nausea meds in the pre-drip and I was soooooo sick! Bob had to take me back out to the cancer center that night for medicine and fluids and then I went back the next day for more. Nick and Vivian were out of school that week and thankfully my parents were down here for a couple of days so they could help with the kids. I've decided this is NOT going to happen again - I'm going to make them show me the bag and watch them hook it up! I'm only half-joking when I say I think I'm traumatized and I'm going to need the nausea meds before I even go out there next week for round 4. Part of the reason I hadn't blogged about it earlier is that it still makes me shiver and gag when I think about it. So on to better news.....

Monday I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up ultrasound to see how everything is going. The tumor is still there but it is definitely smaller -- yea! Originally it was 1.5 cm long and .9 cm thick. Now it's 1 cm long and only .4 cm thick. She also said it's a lot less dense and has less bloodflow. This means that for all the nastiness I've gone through, the drugs are working!!!!! We're going to keep on going with the chemo for 3 more rounds and in between the 5th and 6th I'll go back to the surgeon for another follow-up and to plan surgery. Once the surgery's done they'll decide whether I need radiation or not.

My goal is to get everything finished up by June 30th because July 1st is when our insurance year starts over with deductibles and co-pays. Yeah, I know it's an odd time of year for your insurance to start over, and this time last year I was really frustrated about it because Jake was due at the end of July. So basically everything I paid towards my deductible up to the end of June wasn't going to count towards the bills when I had him since I didn't figure insurance was a good enough reason to ask my doctor to induce a month early. But then when I was diagnosed with cancer four months later, it was kinda nice to know I had already met my deductible and put a good dent in my maximum out of pocket. Just goes to show you, even when you think something's a raw deal you never know how it might work in your favor -- God's got your back!

So now I'm halfway through the chemo and my next treatment is Wed. 3/10. Pray for less nausea because that is really the hardest part for me. And I'll try to be good and not to let another whole month go by before posting again. This means I may have to resort to writing about the really cute kids so all my posts aren't along the lines of "I'm sick... I'm tired... Now I'm feeling better...blah, blah, blah," so consider yourselves warned. :)

There is hope in the strangest places

A little while ago I popped a lemon starburst in my mouth hoping - really, really hoping - for some flavor beyond fried cardboard. That's one of the hardest things for me the first few days after chemo. I have to make sure I'm keeping up the food and liquid intake, but nothing tastes right and I'm basically forcing myself to eat and drink anyway even if it makes me gag. So anyone who has brought us food the past few days, thank you, I ate it and I know in my mind it was really good, but I'd be lying if I said it tasted delicious, sorry. Next time put yourself further down the rotation, say 1-1/2 to 2 weeks after the chemo and I'm sure I'll thoroughly enjoy every bite!

So back to the little lemon starburst. Their current slogan is "It's a pack of contradictions" and right now I'd have to agree because what I put in my mouth did not taste like lemon. There was sweet, which is nice, but NO TANG! No zip! No ache in the back of your jaw that you're supposed to get when you first bite down on one. And when you're already not feeling so hot, sometimes all it takes is the silliest most superficial thing to make you want to throw your hands in the air and resign yourself to thinking this is just the way it's going to be -- give it up!

And then a minute or so later, way in the back of my mouth, there was the slightest little whisper of tanginess. And sometimes it's that tiniest hint of normal that lets you know this will all pass.

Pulling My Hair Out

And no it's not because of Obama's tone-deaf diss of Scott Brown driving a pickup. And ohmygosh John Kerry reminded us that Bush drove a truck too! Yeah, and guess what John, Bush WON and apparently so has Brown. Maybe this will help truck sales now, who knows? But it certainly won't hurt having another person in the senate who wants to help Americans bring home more of their paychecks.

Anyway, back to the point of this post which is (drumroll please) my hair has started falling out!!!!! I woke up this morning and my scalp was really sore, like when you've had your hair pulled back too tight in a ponytail. And all day whenever I raked my hands through my hair lots of strands were coming out. And I kept doing it. It was like when you have a bump on your face that you know you should leave alone but you can't, and you just keep messing with it. That's how I was today with my hair. I just couldn't help pulling my fingers through, just seeing how much might come out. Now I have to point out that I have some seriously big hair so this was something that could go on for several days, and I might have been fine with that except for the fact that it really hurt. Seriously, my scalp was so tender that any movement of my hair (brushing, answering the phone, etc) was really, really painful.

So when Bob got home I told him it was just time to cut it all off. Part of me wanted to hold on to the delusions that maybe this is all I will lose. But I knew deep down, this was only the beginning. I had a choice: I could sit around in la-la land and let my hair slowly (and painfully) comb out over the next several days or I could confront the reality of it head-on and just be done with it. Besides, I was out at Wal-Mart today with my hair piled up in a clip, and all I could think of was what if the whole mass on the back of my head decides to just fall off on the floor and there's like this dead animal sitting there in the middle of the cereal aisle? Could I just keep walking with a straight face (and a giant bald spot in the back of my head) like I had no idea where that thing came from? Probably not.

Which brings me to the super-short cut I have now courtesy of my dear husband. It's not quite what I would have gotten at Paris Parker, but it was a lot cheaper and my scalp doesn't hurt anymore with all that weight gone. I kinda like the short 'do and I told Bob I may even leave it that way after my hair grows back, properly trimmed of course. We'll see. The kids said they like it, although Olivia was a bit distressed at first and kept shouting "stop, put it back." When she grows up with an obsessive attachment to her hair, we'll know why.

Aside from the hair saga, I'm feeling really good, pretty much back to normal. My next chemo treatment is Wednesday the 27th, which gives me a good week to enjoy myself and gear up for the next round.

One down.... five to go

Yesterday I had my first chemo treatment. I wasn't sure what all to expect and overall it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I did have one moment though when I first walked back to the infusion area and the nurse sat me down to check my vitals. I looked around and the tears just started. It was one of those moments where you realize why you're there. There's no fooling yourself that they're just running a test or giving you something just to be on the safe side and it's probably nothing. It's all real and way more serious than strep throat or an ear infection or anything else you've had. This is one of the biggies where you tell people and they look at you like they're afraid you might drop dead right in front of them. And they don't know what to say and you don't know what to say because you can barely get the words out yourself. But you feel fine, just like you felt before you ever knew anything was wrong even though you've probably had this for several years, all the while thinking you're perfectly healthy. And what else might be wrong with you, your husband or one of your kids that you just don't know about yet? So I cried.

Anyway, the nurse gave me a tissue and said they would put some Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug) in my IV first to help me. The funny thing is I have a prescription for that in my purse but I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to take one before going, so I didn't. Now I know.

After the Ativan they started my predrip with some nausea meds and a corticosteriod to head off a potential reaction to one of the chemo drugs, Taxotere. Then they started the Taxotere and I ended up having a reaction anyway towards the end. It was nothing major, my throat just got really itchy and I couldn't stop coughing. It's not uncommon for some people to have a reaction the first or second treatment, but after that your body adjusts so it probably won't happen again. They gave me some Benadryl, which made me very loopy, and the oncologist came over to check my breathing and heartbeat and it was all fine. He jokingly asked me why I decided to have a reaction and I mumbled something along the lines of not wanting to take the easy way out. Then I mostly slept through the other two drugs.

It all lasted about 3.5 hours and then Bob took me home where I pretty much slept off the Benedryl the rest of the afternoon and evening. Today my friend Amy, who lives down the street, came over and took Olivia and Jake for most of the day so I could rest (Thanks Amy!). Overall I'm doing pretty well. The nausea meds seem to be working so I haven't been sick. I just mainly feel a little blah and run-down.

On a side note, when they put my port in last week I joked to Bob that I felt like I now have one of those jacks that Neo had to plug him into the matrix. And one of my chemo drugs, the Adriamycin, is bright red. So now I guess I can say I took the red bag and we're seeing how deep rabbit hole goes!